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When I was younger, I realized that we started to drop communication with one of my uncles... my dad just didn't get along with his brother. Our families no longer swapped birthday or Christmas gifts, and we only really saw them for major holidays, and by holidays, I just mean the one Chinese New Year's. Thanksgiving doesn't even happen with them that often anymore either. When my dad first told me that his brother wasn't someone we were going to spend as much time with anymore, I cried. I didn't explain myself because I don't think I really knew why I was sad. I never really vocalized it but it is one of my fears to let family relationships wither and die, but I guess sometimes you can't help it if the effort is not reciprocated. But even through this irreconcilable rough patch, I'm proud of my dad. I'm glad that he made the decision to put this family and himself first. I'm proud of my dad because even though the local siblings don't really give the time of day to take care of their aging mother, he stepped up and organized a lot, with the help of my mom, to care for her.
I thought this was going to be our only family "struggle."
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I am lucky to have parents that can provide me with so many opportunities, so many means for me to learn and grow as an individual. They try really hard to relate to me, and they spend a lot of time and energy making sure that I'm happy and healthy. I guess that's why I always assumed, and pretty much expected, that I had the perfect immediate family. I expected a certain lifestyle. I expected a close family where anyone can talk to anyone about anything. We live in a nice neighborhood, we are accompanied by Jumbo, we take family trips together, and we always eat meals together. We make jokes together, we poke fun at each other, we go out together, and we watch movies together. We go to Starbucks together, play tennis together, talk nonsense together, talk serious together, and contemplate the meaning of religion, science, life together. In my mind, I've always had this flawless idea of my family, where everyone got along and no one really fought.
Over spring break, I realized that I've been dumb. I've been oblivious. I've been so naive. I've wanted to cry every day ever since I realized what was happening.
This picture of the perfect family was only a partial snapshot. There was a lot of information I was missing. In fact, everything was totally skewed. Sure, we live in a nice neighborhood, but I don't know any of our neighbors. Yes, we are accompanied by Jumbo, but in the past few years, when have we ever taken him on a walk or done anything with him as a family? Of course, we go on family trips together, but the last couple of trips weren't even enjoyable for some. There's always some underlying problem between my dad and my brother, something unspoken so that I never really know what it is. Okay yes, we eat meals together, but the conversations are forced and most of the time, only one-way. We make jokes together, but don't go too far because you'll make someone mad for 5 days. We poke fun at each other, but don't make someone cry. We go out together, sure, we go in the same car, but we don't really end up in the same place. It's great that we watch movies together, in the same house, but unfortunately in four different rooms. We go to Starbucks together, no wait, that's just my parents and I. We play tennis together, no wait, that's just my parents and I. We talk about everything together, oh my bad, that's just my parents and I.
I started to realize that my parents and I always have the most fun when it's just us three. When my brother comes home, I feel like my dad is really tense and my mom is walking on eggshells. I guess this has been happening for a while now, and I was just so blind to it. So when the topic actually came up at the dinner table, I was so distraught, so upset, and I couldn't stop the waterworks. My dad was really out of his comfort zone talking about his feelings straight up, that he couldn't talk to his own son to get straight answers. He imagined being closer to his son, but he slowly started to lose hope as time progressed. I was so angry that my brother said the only thing he felt comfortable talking to my dad about was engineering. Really? Like honestly? That's the only thing? You only want to talk to your own dad when you need help with work? When you have a school problem? Why couldn't you say movies, music, the weather, sports, anything? He has spent so much time and energy raising you, and all you can talk to him about is engineering? Dad's dream for you was to go to grad school, and now he doesn't even want to pay your way anymore. He thought college would help you grow up, be more serious, and learn to communicate better. You don't even have to be friends, you can just talk to each other like you would talk to your friends' parents. Just be civil, is that so much to ask? He wanted so much for you: to finish college, to go to grad school, get a great job. If college didn't help you mature, what would grad school do for you? Now the only thing you'll ever ask each other is "need-to-know," like "How much money am I transferring for this semester," "What time will you be home?" and no more "How were your classes?" or "What did you do with your friends today?" I didn't want to hear this conversation. I wanted to crawl into a hole and just go away forever.
This isn't supposed to happen. This isn't how it's supposed to work. We are supposed to be one unit. We are all supposed to be happy. We are supposed to be the family other families want to be.
We were supposed to follow my vision of family.
I assumed that since my relationship with my parents is so easy, so natural, that it would be the same for my brother. I knew there were some tense moments when we were all together, but I didn't know it was so serious.
I assumed it was because he doesn't come home often.
I assumed he was just in a bad mood.
I assumed he was just having a bad day. A bad couple days, a bad week, a month... a bad year?
I assumed these were temporary situations.
I expected a perfect family, but I guess now I have to let go of it and accept reality.
There are not that many things that I have expectations for, with family being one of the only exceptions. When going to a new place, I don't expect anything, so when I get there, I'm not disappointed. When trying something new, I don't have any expectations, so I can take each situation without too much bias. Even when I got to Berkeley, I didn't expect anything great, so now I feel like the experience is positive. If I had glorified Berkeley before I got here, thinking it was going to be the best time of my life, thinking I was going to be involved, thinking I was going to get a job, find many friends and thought everything would be perfect, I would be so disappointed by now. Regardless, I suppose I need to start being more aware of changes and disappointments in life. They will happen. They will happen a lot. But for each disappointment, I always tell myself that there is always some sort of positive hidden among the struggle. Right now, I can't see the silver lining, but I'm hopeful that something good will come with time.
Tidbits:
- Maybe this is why I'm scared of housing arrangements. I'd rather it not be tense in a household. I would rather not have a family than have a family and lose them. I need to be comfortable somewhere with people I know. I need to be somewhere.
- I'm finding that now I am starting to point out more negative things, being more pessimistic. I'm finding myself highlighting things that don't work instead of praising things that do work.
- My biggest fear is losing people and relationships.
- Please don't leave me.
- I don't like being uncomfortable.
- I'm really disappointed in my last oil painting. I hate the style and the content. I hate everything about it, honestly. I hate that I got tired of it so fast. I hate that I didn't have the drive to really work on it. But I love that I'm /done/ with it and I can move on from it. I really hope that I can find something that I want to actually work on for my next project.
- I guess this is why I got upset when my key wasn't in the door the other day. I already felt I had lost the only control in my life, and then to come back to my own room and find I lost the control to get into my own space was just overwhelming to me.
- I can't even imagine what summer vacation is going to be like. It's supposed to be happy, but honestly, it's kind of just making me really nervous.
- I'm upset for my mom, that she has to endure this.
- I'm upset for my dad, that he feels that he can't talk to his son.
- I'm upset for my brother, that he doesn't feel comfortable just talking to his parents.
- I'm upset at myself because I've been so ignorant.
- I'm upset at my family, for not being what I want us to be.
- Where can I get one of these?
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