"Too Young To Feel This Old"

As my 20th birthday is coming up, I feel an enormous amount of stress coming with it. I feel like since I'm no longer going to be a teenager, there needs to be a massive change in my life -- like I need to pick up more responsibilities, be more independent, have more connections, and get my priorities in line. I know these are just things that I should constantly be working on, but these things have just been on my mind incessantly recently. But perhaps it is just the timing of everything going on. 

• I thought I did really great on my Nutritional Science midterm, but it turns out that it was the worst grade I've gotten since my freshman year in high school. Now that I'm typing it out it seems really stupid and inconsequential because grades shouldn't even matter in the long run, but I don't know, for some reason, grades are important to me. I guess it's important because I can actually see how I've been doing. I take great pride in my grades because it's been one of the only things that I've been consistently (relatively) successful in... [except for history in 6th grade but that's something we won't talk about]. And it's great that I found out this grade just hours before my next midterm today and it lowered my confidence in test taking skills. But at the same time, I didn't feel a motivation to actually study any harder than I usually do. 
• NutriSci stresses me out because the professors talk like we have backgrounds in science and I don't understand anything.
• I have yet another NutriSci midterm the week we come back from Spring Break.
• I have a 40x60" painting that needs to be finished in one week.
• One of my art professors constantly knocks me down saying that I don't put enough effort into my work. I thought I was confident in my art and how I do in school but this class hurts me. It's hard to spend time on projects that I don't feel passionate about -- what's the point in me copying the hand of artists that I barely know, and what's the point of suppressing my own hand in order to draw like someone else?
• Thinking about what I need to do in the summer is overwhelming.
• Is being an adult just constantly feeling that you're doing something wrong?
• All I want to do nowadays is sleep, and I've never taken naps so consistently before. Am I wasting my life away?
• The fact that Jumbo is getting up in years scares me. He hasn't hit double digits yet, but still, it scares me.

Also, the past few days, I've felt like I don't have the energy to work on relationships I have. I find myself feeling like I don't want to do anything besides the things that I only have to do. I find myself only going through the motions and not enjoying every moment as it presents itself. I've started to turn down opportunities to spend time with people, no matter how important they are to me. I guess I'm just tired, but am I though? I want to go out and be active and explore, but it's part me being a recluse and part timing.

For the first time, I have nothing planned for my birthday. I usually have a dinner planned or a movie planned or just something I can do to hang out with my friends. But now, I can't think of anything that I want to do, but I know I want to do something. I hope I can turn my emotional state around before the weekend. Isn't 20 supposed to be a big one?

Anyway, through all the hurdles this week, here are some things I need to keep in mind:

Putting this all out into words made me realize that maybe 20 isn't that old. Maybe I don't need to put so much pressure on myself. I think too much about consequences, I worry too much about insignificant things. I just want to be happy.

Tidbits:

• Oakland Art Murmur last week was fun. It was good to be out and about.
• I'm proud of the progress on my Fox Theatre painting.
• I'm kinda excited to start my new painting.
• Carrying a 40x60" canvas to class on the windiest day of the year so far was not a very good idea.
• The street people on the Noah's Bagels corner are very nice people.
• "Am I though? Am I really?"
• "Did we though? Are we though?"
• I need to be okay with just being okay.
• I am such a horrible person to be around and I'm surprised that people still want to be around me.