Today I felt like I was suffocating a little bit. I felt annoyed at the concept of a group project. I felt like I had to pick up the slack of half the group. I felt like the burden was on me - I had to get the group together, I had to set up our timeline. One responsible group member and I worked on the bulk of the essay together. We waited the whole morning for the other members to show up, and when they did it was 5 hours later, only to do nothing. It's now 7 hours after the deadline we set for the rough draft to be finished, and the two other members have yet to contribute. At this point, I feel like I've done enough for this group project; I don't understand the concept of group projects if I'm (and luckily I have a partner in crime this time) going to be doing the bulk of the work anyway. But I guess this brings us back to "You can't control others, you can only control your reactions to them." I take on the responsibilities that aren't supposed to be mine, especially when it comes to school work. I can't help myself - this might be positive quality in some cases, but it's also a fault of mine.
Today I felt like an outsider. I wasn't used to the people in my room. [Dark blue, dark blue, have you ever felt alone in a crowded room?] This isn't a complaint about the people. Balance is hard to find when the people around you are constantly changing. Peace is hard to find when I'm uncomfortable where I should be comfortable. But perhaps maybe I count on people too much. Maybe too much of my happiness depends on the company I keep. Maybe I kind of wish my life was an ideal group project - where we all depend on each other, and we all hold equal parts. Maybe too much of my life revolves around my friends. I don't want anything to change, all my friends are perfect. I love them all, but I should probably start to learn to create happiness for myself. It's a personal struggle that I need to work on. There were times today when everyone in the room was happy and laughing, but I failed to keep up with the mood. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't bring myself to smile, so I blocked everything out and just focused on anything but people. I never speak up for myself, which is what gets me into these situations, and I understand that is a flaw of mine [#realfriends with high EQ? you get me]. Often, I just need my own time, but I don't know when or why I need it.
Today I realized something.
Today I needed room to breathe [You Me at Six, anyone? no? ok].
Today I needed to get out.
Today I found what I was missing.
Today I went to the gym. Today I did sets of 170 lb leg presses. Today I ran 2 miles. Today I played a pickup basketball game. Today I took time out for myself and felt more comfortable with a group of strangers than I had in my own room in the previous couple of hours. I was afraid that because I haven't played a basketball game in so long that I would do poorly. But today I felt confident in myself. Today I scored 12 points. Today I was the highest scorer. Today I was called LeBron. I've missed playing on a team, and I've missed knowing that I can be successful in my physical abilities. On a team, especially in a pickup game, you can gain respect from your teammates. You can depend on your teammates and know they'll treat you as an equal. You move together, you strategize together. You play off other people's movements and signals. You need a very high sense of your surroundings, and your teammates are able to read you clearly as well. Everyone plays their part, and everyone knows what their part is. It's a situation where everyone is aware of the situation around them. I wish life were like a basketball game.
This was me on the court today.
This is what I needed. I played until the building lights turned off. When I got to my room, however, I didn't want to be there. I still needed to get away from that room. I needed to be outside. I'm outside in shorts, and I'm a little bit cold, but I like it. I can't really feel my toes anymore, but I still needed this time to think and to reflect, alone.
In retrospect, the way I handled the situation was probably very poor. But alas, it is what it is, and I'll work on it next time.
Too Many Tidbits:
- Yesterday was a good day.
- Buffalo Exchange with Anna.
- Double rainbows + Luck of the Irish.
- Tonight was a good night for myself.
- After high school, you go to one or all of the following: rehab, sigh school, cry school, or bye school -- rye school for those in the bread fandom.
- Le freaking Bron.
- Oscar Wilde is my spirit animal/writer - "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Why is Comic Con coming to Cafe 3?
- I really do appreciate my #realfriends being worried, but honestly, I'm fine.
- I appreciate the jacket.
- Sometimes silent company is the best company.
- I'm sorry I'm a hassle and an asshole.
- I promise I'm normal.
dark blue dark blue so true..
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