Call of the Wild

The start of this Spring Break allowed me to experience new adventures with my family. We spent 3 days and 2 nights at Yosemite, being guided to the best spots by a couple of family friends. I never realize how much I enjoy just being outside and exploring what nature has to offer. I also realized how much being in nature rekindles my artistic drive -- I found myself doodling more in my sketchbook and forming more substantial ideas while moving from place to place. Here's a visual summary of the trip:

Day 1:

Lunch at Iron Door, California's oldest saloon, featuring hundreds of dollar bills with customers' names on them, pinned to the ceiling and walls.

Light Hike towards Merced Grove, where I was able to pick up some natural charcoal from previously burned trees.

Here I am with Yosemite's kindest brown bear. He was nice enough to stop and pose for a mirror selfie with little ol' me. I forgot to take photos, but for dinner we had homemade rib roast (for me, it was the first time in over 4 years), salmon, and salad. Dessert was hot chocolate and banana-pumpkin bread, courtesy of my aunt.

Day 2:

3 mile hike to get super close to Bridal Veil Falls!

Bought new hiking shoes specifically for this trip, but I can't wait to use them more in the future.

I squealed because deer.

LOOK HOW CUTE

 No trip is complete until we look at some artwork. 

(more Day 2 & 3 photos to come... used my brother's phone for half the trip)

Day 3: Another light hike, revisiting some places but from a different perspective.

Came home to a double rainbow.

Tidbits:

• It was a relaxing trip... definitely something I'd want to do again.
• Perfect weather for hiking.
• Waterfalls are really cool.
• Deer, ducks, bluejays, woodpeckers and weird plants.
• New charcoal for art.
• Nice pictures for the blog.
• Only downside: where's the internet? 
• Why do they make small packages of snacks that are more than one serving? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of it being a small package?

It's My Only Birthday Wish

Although I had a somewhat stressful week, my birthday weekend quickly reminded me of all the great people I have in my life. Spending time with these people melted whatever stressors were tensing me up, and this company encouraged me to let go and just be happy.

On Saturday I spent some hours in the studio, did some quick homework, and then went to check out an open house with chrse and my parents. Afterwards, my parents treated me to a nice early birthday dinner at Giovanni. It was a treat to be slowly led to our table by a kind old man who nodded and smiled at everything. My parents and I talked and made jokes over mussels, seafood pesto pizza, lasagna, beet salad and a tiramisu topped with a tiny candle. The meal was followed by the whole restaurant singing me happy birthday and a couple of tables walking up me as they were leaving and wishing me again. There's a certain history about Giovanni for my parents, as it was the first place my dad took my mom on a fancy date, and another fun fact: it was the first place [and last place] that my mom got drunk at.

After dinner, we walked up and down Shattuck for a little bit, and at the end of it, my parents presented me with a nicely wrapped birthday gift. It was wrapped in the same wrapping paper that my mom always wraps my birthday gifts in - my favorite wrapping paper - patterned with nothing other than dogs. I carefully unwrapped the gift, as to preserve the paper, as I do every year.

My dad told me that he was planning my gift for over 3 months. What my parents got for me is probably one of the best most interesting gifts that I have ever received, a pen that writes in 3D [yes, 20 year olds can get toys too]. It melts plastic inside the pen, and the plastic hardens as it comes out of the pen tip. It's very similar to a hot glue gun...but better. I dabbled with it a little right after I got back to my room -- it's kind of hard to control, but hopefully I can create something worth blogging about sometime soon.

I'm pretty sure most of my Sunday was dedicated to playing 2048, a game that I despise with every inch of my being and yet, I always find myself going back to it. It's a cruel world we live in, filled with addictive math games and steady wastes of time. My boredom with the game was interrupted by Noreena messaging me, which always brightens my day. It was coming down to the last few minutes of my teenage years, when suddenly, with 10 minutes left, everyone in the room, one by one, exited to "go to the bathroom." Yep, not suspicious at all. And another thing was that I had to go to the bathroom too, and no one was in the bathroom. I knew something was up. I could also hear shuffling in the hallway, familiar sounds of familiar people. Right at 12AM, my final teenaged game of 2048 was beautifully punctuated by 4 balloons alongside their floor mate companions. In the midst of the "surprise," Cathy called me, and hearing her voice made me smile. 

Honestly, going into my birthday, I didn't really expect anything to happen, and I was prepared to just be on the internet for the start of my 20th. I was actually kind of scared that no one would want to celebrate with me or remember my birthday. But I was pleasantly [presently... ha get it bc the company of my friends is a gift in itself] "surprised" [good try though] at 12:05AM by the best gift of all when everyone + Grace and Tiffany sprung in with cake, apple cider, a poster, and bagfuls of balloons, each with classic phrases and inside jokes on them. I'm so blessed that I have friends that will go out of their way to do something special for me. Again, I'm so glad that my worlds can collide and that we can all have a good time together.

At the start, I honestly almost started crying because of all the happiness in the room. I was kind of overwhelmed and I learned that I really do have the best friends and family anyone could ever ask for. I'm so glad that I've been able to build relationships with people with whom I can celebrate these milestones. 

My actual birthday was filled with 2048 [you know... 'cause 20? That's how I'm justifying it. Don't question it.], boba, sushi and ice cream. I love ending good days just chilling with good people, these days that consists of just sitting in the same room on different computers, sending each other links, reblogging each other and playing that damn 2048.

My 20th birthday calls for Twenty Tidbits:

• Dog wrapping paper [aka Snoop Dogg paper]
• Receiving birthday wishes through phone call and text makes me happy.
• Grace and Tiffany are best.
• Macarons.
• Balloons.
• Cake.
• Donut holes.
• Boba.
• Downtime with the #realfriends.
• "Why do leprechauns giggle when they play soccer? The grass tickles their balls."
• "Did you fall from the sky because you look like a dead bird."
• Enjoyed both my art classes today -- a large painting and a detailed drawing of dog trading cards.
• Such Cunts, added to the Everdead Tour lineup.
• "You're such a boob punch."
• Got to spend time with the floormates for a birthday dinner at CU Sushi.
• doge2048 ruins my life.
• So does Teen Wolf.
• Cropped out Michael bc sorry to break it to you Mr. Photogenic but it's my birthday not yours
• "Don't have a crap attack."
• It's my only birthday wish!

Kaleidoscope

Here's to a good day.

• Making stretcher bars in the sculpture studio. I didn't realize I missed working with wood and drills so much. I think I took it for granted when I was in UCLA, but now it's really exciting for me.
• Walking with Anna to new places and pointing out cute things always brightens up my day.
• Teaching art for Cal Create for the first time officially and meeting the students was fun and rewarding.
• Just hanging around a pottery yard called Aw Pottery.
• Passing by older people in Oakland who just stop to talk to you for two to three minutes to share a piece of their lives with you. Side note: should visit Fairyland with the #realfriends. It's all handmade, built in 1950, and it may have inspired Walt Disney's creation of Disneyland. It's for younger kids but honestly I love how we can all embrace those childhood hearts of ours.
• Golden Retrievers and dandelions.
• Milkshakes and Floor Coffee at Blue Door Cafe.
• Talking to strangers is nice.
• I have to realize that life is like a kaleidoscope. You only have one lens with specific colored pieces, but you can always shake it up and manipulate your point of view to create your own happiness.

"Too Young To Feel This Old"

As my 20th birthday is coming up, I feel an enormous amount of stress coming with it. I feel like since I'm no longer going to be a teenager, there needs to be a massive change in my life -- like I need to pick up more responsibilities, be more independent, have more connections, and get my priorities in line. I know these are just things that I should constantly be working on, but these things have just been on my mind incessantly recently. But perhaps it is just the timing of everything going on. 

• I thought I did really great on my Nutritional Science midterm, but it turns out that it was the worst grade I've gotten since my freshman year in high school. Now that I'm typing it out it seems really stupid and inconsequential because grades shouldn't even matter in the long run, but I don't know, for some reason, grades are important to me. I guess it's important because I can actually see how I've been doing. I take great pride in my grades because it's been one of the only things that I've been consistently (relatively) successful in... [except for history in 6th grade but that's something we won't talk about]. And it's great that I found out this grade just hours before my next midterm today and it lowered my confidence in test taking skills. But at the same time, I didn't feel a motivation to actually study any harder than I usually do. 
• NutriSci stresses me out because the professors talk like we have backgrounds in science and I don't understand anything.
• I have yet another NutriSci midterm the week we come back from Spring Break.
• I have a 40x60" painting that needs to be finished in one week.
• One of my art professors constantly knocks me down saying that I don't put enough effort into my work. I thought I was confident in my art and how I do in school but this class hurts me. It's hard to spend time on projects that I don't feel passionate about -- what's the point in me copying the hand of artists that I barely know, and what's the point of suppressing my own hand in order to draw like someone else?
• Thinking about what I need to do in the summer is overwhelming.
• Is being an adult just constantly feeling that you're doing something wrong?
• All I want to do nowadays is sleep, and I've never taken naps so consistently before. Am I wasting my life away?
• The fact that Jumbo is getting up in years scares me. He hasn't hit double digits yet, but still, it scares me.

Also, the past few days, I've felt like I don't have the energy to work on relationships I have. I find myself feeling like I don't want to do anything besides the things that I only have to do. I find myself only going through the motions and not enjoying every moment as it presents itself. I've started to turn down opportunities to spend time with people, no matter how important they are to me. I guess I'm just tired, but am I though? I want to go out and be active and explore, but it's part me being a recluse and part timing.

For the first time, I have nothing planned for my birthday. I usually have a dinner planned or a movie planned or just something I can do to hang out with my friends. But now, I can't think of anything that I want to do, but I know I want to do something. I hope I can turn my emotional state around before the weekend. Isn't 20 supposed to be a big one?

Anyway, through all the hurdles this week, here are some things I need to keep in mind:

Putting this all out into words made me realize that maybe 20 isn't that old. Maybe I don't need to put so much pressure on myself. I think too much about consequences, I worry too much about insignificant things. I just want to be happy.

Tidbits:

• Oakland Art Murmur last week was fun. It was good to be out and about.
• I'm proud of the progress on my Fox Theatre painting.
• I'm kinda excited to start my new painting.
• Carrying a 40x60" canvas to class on the windiest day of the year so far was not a very good idea.
• The street people on the Noah's Bagels corner are very nice people.
• "Am I though? Am I really?"
• "Did we though? Are we though?"
• I need to be okay with just being okay.
• I am such a horrible person to be around and I'm surprised that people still want to be around me.

20 in 10

Things that made me happy this week:

My baby making a new friend in the neighborhood:

Pet Therapy on Sproul with Grace! Can't wait to see Jumbo this weekend.

Flower + Flower Project:

Work in Progress: Drawing of classmates drawing classmates:

80 piece collaboration project with Portraits of Kindness:

Ten Tidbits:

• Chinese Lunar calendar 20th birthday just passed...um I'm not ready for responsibilities?
• Connecting with high school classmates that I never expected to speak to again.
• Finding inspiration from others' growth and success.
• "This song's intro reminds me of another song....wait I'm just singing the chorus..."
• Angled Rain is now opening for Everdead and the Sweet Beets.
• Is it Babymetal or Baby + Metal?
• So do #realfriends take turns having emotional breakdowns about every two weeks?
• "You know, all that really matters is that the people you love are happy and healthy. Everything else is just sprinkles on the sundae." -Paul Walker RIP 11.30.2013.
• Side-note: I really want to watch Hours and Brick Mansions.
• Happiness is a choice.
• I'll be 20 in 10 days.

If Life Were A Basketball Game

The past couple of weeks have been healing for me. I feel like I've become happier in the company of real friends. I've gotten back into the artist mode that I've been lacking for a while. But still, I felt like I was missing something. And today I found it.

Today I felt like I was suffocating a little bit. I felt annoyed at the concept of a group project. I felt like I had to pick up the slack of half the group. I felt like the burden was on me - I had to get the group together, I had to set up our timeline. One responsible group member and I worked on the bulk of the essay together. We waited the whole morning for the other members to show up, and when they did it was 5 hours later, only to do nothing. It's now 7 hours after the deadline we set for the rough draft to be finished, and the two other members have yet to contribute. At this point, I feel like I've done enough for this group project; I don't understand the concept of group projects if I'm (and luckily I have a partner in crime this time) going to be doing the bulk of the work anyway. But I guess this brings us back to "You can't control others, you can only control your reactions to them." I take on the responsibilities that aren't supposed to be mine, especially when it comes to school work. I can't help myself - this might be positive quality in some cases, but it's also a fault of mine.

Today I felt like an outsider. I wasn't used to the people in my room. [Dark blue, dark blue, have you ever felt alone in a crowded room?] This isn't a complaint about the people. Balance is hard to find when the people around you are constantly changing. Peace is hard to find when I'm uncomfortable where I should be comfortable. But perhaps maybe I count on people too much. Maybe too much of my happiness depends on the company I keep. Maybe I kind of wish my life was an ideal group project - where we all depend on each other, and we all hold equal parts. Maybe too much of my life revolves around my friends. I don't want anything to change, all my friends are perfect. I love them all, but I should probably start to learn to create happiness for myself. It's a personal struggle that I need to work on. There were times today when everyone in the room was happy and laughing, but I failed to keep up with the mood. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't bring myself to smile, so I blocked everything out and just focused on anything but people. I never speak up for myself, which is what gets me into these situations, and I understand that is a flaw of mine [#realfriends with high EQ? you get me]. Often, I just need my own time, but I don't know when or why I need it.

Today I realized something.

Today I needed room to breathe [You Me at Six, anyone? no? ok].

Today I needed to get out.

Today I found what I was missing.

Today I went to the gym. Today I did sets of 170 lb leg presses. Today I ran 2 miles. Today I played a pickup basketball game. Today I took time out for myself and felt more comfortable with a group of strangers than I had in my own room in the previous couple of hours. I was afraid that because I haven't played a basketball game in so long that I would do poorly. But today I felt confident in myself. Today I scored 12 points. Today I was the highest scorer. Today I was called LeBron. I've missed playing on a team, and I've missed knowing that I can be successful in my physical abilities. On a team, especially in a pickup game, you can gain respect from your teammates. You can depend on your teammates and know they'll treat you as an equal. You move together, you strategize together. You play off other people's movements and signals. You need a very high sense of your surroundings, and your teammates are able to read you clearly as well. Everyone plays their part, and everyone knows what their part is. It's a situation where everyone is aware of the situation around them. I wish life were like a basketball game.

This was me on the court today.

This is what I needed. I played until the building lights turned off. When I got to my room, however, I didn't want to be there. I still needed to get away from that room. I needed to be outside. I'm outside in shorts, and I'm a little bit cold, but I like it. I can't really feel my toes anymore, but I still needed this time to think and to reflect, alone.

In retrospect, the way I handled the situation was probably very poor. But alas, it is what it is, and I'll work on it next time.

Too Many Tidbits:

• Yesterday was a good day. 
• Buffalo Exchange with Anna.
• Double rainbows + Luck of the Irish.
• Tonight was a good night for myself.
• After high school, you go to one or all of the following: rehab, sigh school, cry school, or bye school -- rye school for those in the bread fandom.
• Le freaking Bron.
• Oscar Wilde is my spirit animal/writer - "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
• Why is Comic Con coming to Cafe 3?
• I really do appreciate my #realfriends being worried, but honestly, I'm fine. 
• I appreciate the jacket.
• Sometimes silent company is the best company.
• I'm sorry I'm a hassle and an asshole.
• I promise I'm normal.