Past the Limit

I really have to learn to realize when to stop working. It's hardest for me to get started on a project -- whether it is a painting or a homework assignment or a conversation or a study guide. It takes me hours, sometimes days or weeks, to finally focus my energy on that one thing with a looming deadline. However, when I do finally get into it, which isn't that often, I don't know when to stop [can't stop won't stop, I must be stressing].

Over the weekend, I was in the state of mind to fully apply myself to my big painting for class. I spent a good 5.5 hours in the studio, nonstop working. I didn't put the brush down once. Here was the result:

I'm far from finished, but I'm proud of what I have done so far. The assignment was to create a self portrait and to paint it in a way that represents who you are as a painter. I am working from the mirror, so I am constantly able to adjust angles and positions of my body. I guess that's part of what this painting is about. I'm still exploring what and how I want to paint, and I am constantly experimenting with the paint and the subject. I decided to add my mother in the background - it is an old photo that my dad took of her when they studied at Berkeley together. I guess what I want to show is that I'm still in the process of becoming my own person, my own painter, and my mom is still there to support and guide me; not holding my hand, but still a presence in my practice.

Look how beautiful she is.

After painting, I went to Angie's place to do some studying for Nutritional Science, the toughest class I've taken probably for 5 or 6 years [shout out to Bio Honors with Chisam]. I am not sure I like studying with people because it distracts from my usual thought process. It was an experience, and I love Angie's company, but it was a tad underproductive for my taste. It's convenient to ask questions and have mini-rants, but 5 hours to do only 3 sections? Naaaah.

When the day ended, I could feel the pain in my hand again, concentrated most on my knuckle. I thought it would go away overnight, and it did.

Today, I worked on the painting again - progress is not as apparent, but it's there.

The pain returned, but I didn't have time to deal with it.

After I got back to the dorm, I powered through my study guide, handwriting the remaining 10 sections in 6 hours on my own. I am proud of myself, but also highly regret it. Sure I'm back on track with studying, but now I'm up late. Now my hand is in pain. The pain has spread from my middle finger knuckle to my fourth finger as well. And on top of that, my back hurts....I'm wincing as I'm typing. 

When I truly get into the rhythm of things, I always work myself until I'm physically in pain, and I need to stop that. I need to regulate my working patterns so I'm productive and still happy in the end, both mentally and physically. I guess typing this post at 2:27AM isn't helping either. Tomorrow I'm going to be so exhausted, as I have to get up in 5 hours for a day that ends at 5:30PM. Tomorrow I'm going to be irritated and in pain because my right hand isn't going to heal for another 3 days. I'll make sure to treat myself on Thursday with a delicious dinner.

Every time this happens, I tell myself that I won't let it happen again. And here we are. I need to allow myself to take breaks. I need to teach myself that not finishing is acceptable as long as I get back to it. I need to loosen up the perfectionist in me. [Seriously, I do not need to rewrite a whole handwritten page because I spelled something wrong in the last line...like really? The lightweight environmentalist in me highly disapproves.]

I have a lot to learn about myself, both as an artist and as a person, but I need to start making my health a priority. 

Tidbits:

• Who needs colored pants when I could just spill paint on all of them?
• Everdead and the Sweet Beets.
• Google: What is that christian band with the blonde lead singer with glasses?
• Jump In and HSM.
• Corbin Bleu more like Corbin blew it by being in the same movie twice.
• "Push it, push it, to the limit, limit, 'cause we're in it to win it."
• It's 2:54AM and I think I need psychiatric help.