Help Thyself.

Recently, I've found myself yearning to please the people that don't really matter in my life, the ones who deplete my energy and my self esteem. I have broken down under the stress of trying to be someone I'm not in order to prove someone's impression of me wrong. In the process, I've conditioned myself to respond negatively to anything and everything that bothers me - whether judging internally or expressing myself in glares, stares, or caustically praying for people to change for the good of those around them. And this is definitely not me. 

"If nothing else, I am myself. That's all I have to give."

From now on, I will only focus on my own growth. I vow to stop complaining and talking about things that I don't necessarily agree with. I promise myself to focus on the positive. I have spent a bulk of my almost 20 years invested in making other people happy, whether it be my parents, brother, or my friends. While this is one of my life goals - to make people happy - I think it's time for me to find a healthy balance between that and taking care of myself. It's time for me to move on to better things...to not Dwinelle on the past {oh Cal jokes}. 

With the company of my #realfriends, some good music and good vibes, I've gotten out of my funk and learned to be comfortable in my own skin again. This weekend has been a fresh start for me. 

Saturday turned my emotions back straight. Being happy again - spending time with real friends. Finally getting the chance to spend quality time with Grace and Rosemarie + Charisse simultaneously. Honestly, they got along better than I'd hoped - but then again, they're all friends with me, so I guess it would only make sense for them to hit it off {jokes and yolks for my genuine folks}. I hope these worlds can collide more often in the future.  

• The show was everything I hoped for and more. Getting so surprisingly close to the stage was part of that. But more, it was a setting where I could finally let myself go and let out pent up energy. The atmosphere where everyone could bond over a mutual passion really pushed me to enjoy myself for the first time in weeks. 
• Highlight #2 of the night was spending time with #realfriends in my room just throwing around dumb puns and drinking apple cider. Although a completely different space than that of just an hour before, these are the moments I cherish.
• Staying up until 5:30AM to just talk to Grace about our lives, emotions and random stories. The first time I dedicated so much time just to talk. I needed that.

Sunday, I was still on that concert high, reliving every moment and drowning myself in new music.

Monday allowed me to get back into my artist mode. Spent almost two hours just sitting next to a bridge in the Eucalyptus Grove, painting and sketching with Charisse. It felt good to be connected with nature. It calmed me down and picked up my spirits. Breathing in the fresh air - outside of the dorm room - reminded me how important it is to get out of boring old habits. Sometimes life just needs adventure and a change of pace.  Observing dogs run up and down the path and splash in the water turned my eyes into crescents and turned the corners of my mouth upward. Watching a child play by the rocks and water without a care made me realize there's a special quality of life you can experience if you just allow it to. I appreciated the kind comments from passing strangers: "If I could paint like that, I would be so happy." It reaffirmed that the choices I am making are for the better, not only in painting, but also in my life.
But what really got me thinking was the comment: "It's amazing how you could have the same vantage point and still come out with something so different." It made me think: I'm still in the same physical place - I'm still here at the dorm, but now I feel completely different. I see completely differently. In the span of one weekend, I've turned 180 degrees. It's all about the choices I make.
And here's what I didn't expect at all. Lorenzo, although a quiet and sometimes awkward person, really quite helped me this weekend. He didn't say much - he just asked me to make him a name-tag. He offered to pay me, he was shy when he asked. But this small act gave me back the energy and passion that I had lacked for a while. Later that day, when I got back from nature sketching, I cranked out 6 new name-tags for floor mates. I felt accomplished and appreciated.

All in all, this has been, hands down, the best weekend of 2014 thus far. I'm still working on becoming a better person and helping myself grow - I can't wait for more adventures.

Finally at peace with myself.