"Just Be Who You Are"

With midterms, essays and stressful housing situations piling up, I thought it was time for me to just reevaluate, not just how I handle situations but also how I handle myself. When I find myself in tough situations, I tend to just become frazzled and I suddenly find my hair completely out of control [my parents and brother are most familiar with this - there were times at home where I broke down because I couldn't sleep before a big test, or I stayed up an extra 3 hours looking for a "lost item" that was always in the most obvious place to begin with, aka my bed]. However, this first round of midterms has come strangely easy for me. Sure, I studied, I took detailed notes, but I didn't overthink. As usual, instead of studying late into the night, I just browsed the internet on my phone, in bed at 9:30PM. Honestly, I just hyperventilated now and again for comedic effect, not because I was actually worried about the content of the exam. I've adopted the mindset of being calmer when it comes to academics - yes, it still matters to me to do my best, but I'm trying not to be so hard on myself. [It's the inner-nerd in me... #realfriends are Grandpa's Girls, I'm just the Dean's Girl... Deans List? Winchester? Paula? Anyone? Itssjusmee, isn't it...]

Sometimes we all just need some friendly reminders to step back from our problems and just breathe. I found some pictures on my phone and from the fantastic internet to help put things in perspective.

I can't call it my blogpost until there's something to do with puppies. We can learn a lot from our four-legged friends [even if you don't like dogs, but seriously though, why wouldn't you?]. Just like for dogs, my companions and friends have always and will always come first for me. I know it makes me happiest when I see people around me smiling and in their element. But what I do need to learn for myself is to take things easy, to forgive, and to enjoy. As busy as school can get, it's worthwhile to appreciate the little things in life. 

Last week, I received a package from my mom with little goodies, but I appreciated this gift the most. I stuck this post-it on my closet mirror so I can read it every morning as I get ready for the day. You know, sometimes it seems as though problems and hurdles are taking over my life, but honestly at the end of the day, what really matters is that I'm happy and healthy. 

Throwback to high school -- I feel like this is the most important collection of information that I received during my entire four years of SFHS, and perhaps all of my education thus far, bottled up in one neat half of a whiteboard. It pretty much speaks for itself. Still one of my favorite teachers.

[photo courtesy of Grace's incredible documentation of the world]

If you got anything out of this post, I hope it's that you be who you are and not worry so much about numbers and figures. Happiness makes you confident. Happiness makes you beautiful. Enjoy your happiness and all the perks that come with it.

Too Many Tidbits:

• Midterm was accompanied by my iPod randomly playing music on speaker.
• Today I stared at a dog very intensely and it was great.
• Have you met Ted?
• I need to get back into writing in my dream journal again.
• I love seeing people making an effort into relationships and group projects.
• "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Please don't ever do this. Keep the negative energy away from you and focus on the people who matter.
• Always health and happiness for my #realfriends. "You are my light in the dark, don't change. Just be who you are."
• "I'm not afraid of ghosts, I'm not afraid of sharks, I'm not afraid of cancer, I'm just afraid of snakes! They really creep me out! Where are their arms and legs? It's NOT OKAY!"
• Most used phrase of the day: "u ok?"
• Bloge is the new doge.

Past the Limit

I really have to learn to realize when to stop working. It's hardest for me to get started on a project -- whether it is a painting or a homework assignment or a conversation or a study guide. It takes me hours, sometimes days or weeks, to finally focus my energy on that one thing with a looming deadline. However, when I do finally get into it, which isn't that often, I don't know when to stop [can't stop won't stop, I must be stressing].

Over the weekend, I was in the state of mind to fully apply myself to my big painting for class. I spent a good 5.5 hours in the studio, nonstop working. I didn't put the brush down once. Here was the result:

I'm far from finished, but I'm proud of what I have done so far. The assignment was to create a self portrait and to paint it in a way that represents who you are as a painter. I am working from the mirror, so I am constantly able to adjust angles and positions of my body. I guess that's part of what this painting is about. I'm still exploring what and how I want to paint, and I am constantly experimenting with the paint and the subject. I decided to add my mother in the background - it is an old photo that my dad took of her when they studied at Berkeley together. I guess what I want to show is that I'm still in the process of becoming my own person, my own painter, and my mom is still there to support and guide me; not holding my hand, but still a presence in my practice.

Look how beautiful she is.

After painting, I went to Angie's place to do some studying for Nutritional Science, the toughest class I've taken probably for 5 or 6 years [shout out to Bio Honors with Chisam]. I am not sure I like studying with people because it distracts from my usual thought process. It was an experience, and I love Angie's company, but it was a tad underproductive for my taste. It's convenient to ask questions and have mini-rants, but 5 hours to do only 3 sections? Naaaah.

When the day ended, I could feel the pain in my hand again, concentrated most on my knuckle. I thought it would go away overnight, and it did.

Today, I worked on the painting again - progress is not as apparent, but it's there.

The pain returned, but I didn't have time to deal with it.

After I got back to the dorm, I powered through my study guide, handwriting the remaining 10 sections in 6 hours on my own. I am proud of myself, but also highly regret it. Sure I'm back on track with studying, but now I'm up late. Now my hand is in pain. The pain has spread from my middle finger knuckle to my fourth finger as well. And on top of that, my back hurts....I'm wincing as I'm typing. 

When I truly get into the rhythm of things, I always work myself until I'm physically in pain, and I need to stop that. I need to regulate my working patterns so I'm productive and still happy in the end, both mentally and physically. I guess typing this post at 2:27AM isn't helping either. Tomorrow I'm going to be so exhausted, as I have to get up in 5 hours for a day that ends at 5:30PM. Tomorrow I'm going to be irritated and in pain because my right hand isn't going to heal for another 3 days. I'll make sure to treat myself on Thursday with a delicious dinner.

Every time this happens, I tell myself that I won't let it happen again. And here we are. I need to allow myself to take breaks. I need to teach myself that not finishing is acceptable as long as I get back to it. I need to loosen up the perfectionist in me. [Seriously, I do not need to rewrite a whole handwritten page because I spelled something wrong in the last line...like really? The lightweight environmentalist in me highly disapproves.]

I have a lot to learn about myself, both as an artist and as a person, but I need to start making my health a priority. 

Tidbits:

• Who needs colored pants when I could just spill paint on all of them?
• Everdead and the Sweet Beets.
• Google: What is that christian band with the blonde lead singer with glasses?
• Jump In and HSM.
• Corbin Bleu more like Corbin blew it by being in the same movie twice.
• "Push it, push it, to the limit, limit, 'cause we're in it to win it."
• It's 2:54AM and I think I need psychiatric help.

"No, We're Never Gonna Quit It, No, We're Never Gonna Quit It, No"

A couple days ago, I landed my first official internship with FameTag, an app that tracks your "image" at school, and I will be running their social media platforms. My first Skype meeting with my new boss is on Monday, and I'm nervous to know what I have in store the next few months, but I'm excited at the same time. I'm excited to take on such a challenge, I'm excited to gain some experience, and I'm excited for money (let's be honest, who isn't?), albeit stipend only. All of the work that I have done in the past have been volunteer or unpaid, and I'm ready to step into the real world and to pretend to know what I'm doing.

The past two days have been mostly dedicated to painting and relaxing. Yesterday, I spent a couple hours in the studio working on a self portrait that I cannot seem to get right -- but such is life because there's always something I can improve on. It was a little stressful in the studio that day, but eating Thai food and too many donuts with real friends was a good break from work. Today I woke up early to participate in a community mural project at Ardenwood Elementary. In my opinion, the subject was elementary, but so is the school, so it's fitting. It was good to be involved in a service project, working with like-minded folks. I left before it was finished, but I felt accomplished with what I contributed. 

My soundtrack for this week has been a compilation of You Me At Six, Panic! At the Disco, The Colourist, and X Ambassadors. And thanks to some kid I know, I have recently started to listen to this one band that is actually just Artist VS Poet with an accent that you can only sometimes slightly understand. 

Tidbits from my mind:

• Explored Berkeley City Club's architecture with Anna instead of getting CREATE work done.
• Canvas conversations were a highlight of this weekend. 
• Why is it "get money get paid"? It's redundant. It should be "get money get laid."
• I've been in a much happier place, and I'm glad I am surrounded by a good group of kids. 
• I like where I am right now, I like what I'm doing now, and I'm never gonna quit it.
• Should I jus call this my blawg from now on?

Help Thyself.

Recently, I've found myself yearning to please the people that don't really matter in my life, the ones who deplete my energy and my self esteem. I have broken down under the stress of trying to be someone I'm not in order to prove someone's impression of me wrong. In the process, I've conditioned myself to respond negatively to anything and everything that bothers me - whether judging internally or expressing myself in glares, stares, or caustically praying for people to change for the good of those around them. And this is definitely not me. 

"If nothing else, I am myself. That's all I have to give."

From now on, I will only focus on my own growth. I vow to stop complaining and talking about things that I don't necessarily agree with. I promise myself to focus on the positive. I have spent a bulk of my almost 20 years invested in making other people happy, whether it be my parents, brother, or my friends. While this is one of my life goals - to make people happy - I think it's time for me to find a healthy balance between that and taking care of myself. It's time for me to move on to better things...to not Dwinelle on the past {oh Cal jokes}. 

With the company of my #realfriends, some good music and good vibes, I've gotten out of my funk and learned to be comfortable in my own skin again. This weekend has been a fresh start for me. 

Saturday turned my emotions back straight. Being happy again - spending time with real friends. Finally getting the chance to spend quality time with Grace and Rosemarie + Charisse simultaneously. Honestly, they got along better than I'd hoped - but then again, they're all friends with me, so I guess it would only make sense for them to hit it off {jokes and yolks for my genuine folks}. I hope these worlds can collide more often in the future.  

• The show was everything I hoped for and more. Getting so surprisingly close to the stage was part of that. But more, it was a setting where I could finally let myself go and let out pent up energy. The atmosphere where everyone could bond over a mutual passion really pushed me to enjoy myself for the first time in weeks. 
• Highlight #2 of the night was spending time with #realfriends in my room just throwing around dumb puns and drinking apple cider. Although a completely different space than that of just an hour before, these are the moments I cherish.
• Staying up until 5:30AM to just talk to Grace about our lives, emotions and random stories. The first time I dedicated so much time just to talk. I needed that.

Sunday, I was still on that concert high, reliving every moment and drowning myself in new music.

Monday allowed me to get back into my artist mode. Spent almost two hours just sitting next to a bridge in the Eucalyptus Grove, painting and sketching with Charisse. It felt good to be connected with nature. It calmed me down and picked up my spirits. Breathing in the fresh air - outside of the dorm room - reminded me how important it is to get out of boring old habits. Sometimes life just needs adventure and a change of pace.  Observing dogs run up and down the path and splash in the water turned my eyes into crescents and turned the corners of my mouth upward. Watching a child play by the rocks and water without a care made me realize there's a special quality of life you can experience if you just allow it to. I appreciated the kind comments from passing strangers: "If I could paint like that, I would be so happy." It reaffirmed that the choices I am making are for the better, not only in painting, but also in my life.
But what really got me thinking was the comment: "It's amazing how you could have the same vantage point and still come out with something so different." It made me think: I'm still in the same physical place - I'm still here at the dorm, but now I feel completely different. I see completely differently. In the span of one weekend, I've turned 180 degrees. It's all about the choices I make.
And here's what I didn't expect at all. Lorenzo, although a quiet and sometimes awkward person, really quite helped me this weekend. He didn't say much - he just asked me to make him a name-tag. He offered to pay me, he was shy when he asked. But this small act gave me back the energy and passion that I had lacked for a while. Later that day, when I got back from nature sketching, I cranked out 6 new name-tags for floor mates. I felt accomplished and appreciated.

All in all, this has been, hands down, the best weekend of 2014 thus far. I'm still working on becoming a better person and helping myself grow - I can't wait for more adventures.

Finally at peace with myself.