Dead week was, to say the least, emotionally draining for me. I'm not completely sure why because I still can't rack my brain for that single reason. Sure, there were little things that bothered me, but looking back at it, I can't see how those little things could have possibly made me so bitter and so... cold.
The beginning and the middle of finals week was better. I laughed more, spent time with people more. I think I was more content. But as that week came to a close, I began to close myself off again. I don't think I wanted to spend time with people. Or maybe it was a certain person. Or maybe it was myself. Maybe I needed to spend time with people. Actually, I didn't know what I wanted. What I do know is that I cried for about an hour, but the only question I asked myself was why I was crying.
I really wish move-out day could be like a blur to me. I woke up angry and annoyed. And then I told myself, I'm going to turn this day around when I see my mom. But for some reason, I couldn't convince myself to smile. I was so disappointed in myself because I couldn't get out of my funk and it affected everyone around me. I kept beating myself up for everything that I was doing. Honestly, I just wanted to get the day over with so I could just slink into the comforting arms of my sofa at home and have Jumbo at my feet.
The moment I got home, my emotions swung to the opposite extreme. I saw my dad, my dog, and my new penny board waiting outside for me. As I was breaking in the new board, my brother came home from LA. It made me so happy to be home, for everyone to be home. It made me happy to have a home cooked meal. It made me happy to just relax for a little bit. This happiness continued through the night as we attended a family friend's wedding, where the bride's brother mentioned that his inspiration to learn calligraphy stemmed from my artwork. He hand-wrote every single wedding invitation and every single place card for the banquet. The bride's brother exhibited such a genuineness, such a sweetness, a purity, a sensitivity and such a sincerity that I really wish I could someday learn to embody. His speech for his sister was so touching, so lovely and so memorable.
And then post-wedding, during the car ride home, I silently let some tears out, making sure neither my parents nor my brother noticed. I tried to fall asleep but instead, I questioned my life, the friends I keep and the friends I've started to let go. I've been struggling with questions about relationships and friendships for a while now, and I'm not sure I know where I stand with my friends. Like, who the hell's going to be my maid of honor? I love my handful of best friends, and I used to think I had a single best friend, but I'm not even sure what that means anymore. And then I thought about whether I'm ever going to be a maid of honor or whether I'll ever be a bridesmaid. Like I really don't know. Where do I belong among my friends? Like where do I fit? Am I just the one that is always just there or do people actually notice me as one of their close friends? Am I an important piece in the center of a puzzle or am I just one of those edge pieces that don't really contribute much to the total image? I tried to convince myself that these choices are a long way ahead of me, but really, they're not. I'm 20. Weddings are going to happen within my friend circles within the next 5-10 years. These thoughts and concerns raced through my head until we pulled into the driveway.
I attempted falling asleep by trying to change my thoughts to good ones. After a while, I realized that wasn't going to happen, so I browsed the internet on my phone, and somehow ended up on some mental health sites. I took survey after survey, questionnaire after questionnaire. I thought, I've been here once before, about a year and a half ago, when I was still on my semester off. I had taken quizzes then too, and I often got scores of high possibility for depression. And this time was no different. It scared me, finding myself receiving responses with "moderate to severe symptoms of bipolar disorder" and "high chance of mood disorder." I didn't know what to do with this information. I don't know if it's because I subconsciously wanted to see these results. Did I want to have an excuse to act the way I did? Did I just want a high score because I love high scores? Was I just answering as extremely as I could so I could wallow in my self-loathing? I know this is a serious matter that should be taken seriously, but I just don't know what to do. Is it even legitimate if I only take these tests at my lowest points? And does my changed diet have to do with any of this? Does eating meat again make one on edge all the time? I guess it just takes a lot of experimenting and careful observations with and of myself. Last time, I decided that perhaps I could fix myself on my own, and I think I did alright. And that's what I'm deciding this time around as well. It's the choice I'm making, and I really hope I can make myself a better person. Honestly, I don't really know if I believe any of the tests I've taken, but what I do believe is that I'm in control of most of the things in my life. Although it's harder sometimes more than others, I know I'll always get through it. I'm too practical and too by-the-book to have it any other way.
The next day, I felt revived, as if by magic. I made my mom happy for her birthday, and I think that's all I want to do for my mom. To make her happy, to make her feel appreciated. I think that's all I every want to do for anyone - to make them happy.
I think this week was a good week. Spending a couple nights at the apartment was nice. Getting things done like an adult. And maybe spending more than an hour to get our placemats. There might be rough patches this year, but I know the good will always outweigh the bad. I hope we all know that.
Now that I'm the happier version of myself, I can't see how I was so upset and so down the past couple of weeks. I still ask the same questions, but I'm not sad. But then again, when I was in those sad valleys, I couldn't see how I could be happy again. So honestly, I don't know what conclusions I've drawn from this blog post.
All I know is that I don't know. But then again, when do I ever?
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