Let's Get Personal

The past couple weeks have put me on a pedestal only to slap me back down with the force of a tornado, and then lift me back up again.

Dead week was, to say the least, emotionally draining for me. I'm not completely sure why because I still can't rack my brain for that single reason. Sure, there were little things that bothered me, but looking back at it, I can't see how those little things could have possibly made me so bitter and so... cold.

The beginning and the middle of finals week was better. I laughed more, spent time with people more. I think I was more content. But as that week came to a close, I began to close myself off again. I don't think I wanted to spend time with people. Or maybe it was a certain person. Or maybe it was myself. Maybe I needed to spend time with people. Actually, I didn't know what I wanted. What I do know is that I cried for about an hour, but the only question I asked myself was why I was crying.

I really wish move-out day could be like a blur to me. I woke up angry and annoyed. And then I told myself, I'm going to turn this day around when I see my mom. But for some reason, I couldn't convince myself to smile. I was so disappointed in myself because I couldn't get out of my funk and it affected everyone around me. I kept beating myself up for everything that I was doing. Honestly, I just wanted to get the day over with so I could just slink into the comforting arms of my sofa at home and have Jumbo at my feet.

The moment I got home, my emotions swung to the opposite extreme. I saw my dad, my dog, and my new penny board waiting outside for me. As I was breaking in the new board, my brother came home from LA. It made me so happy to be home, for everyone to be home. It made me happy to have a home cooked meal. It made me happy to just relax for a little bit. This happiness continued through the night as we attended a family friend's wedding, where the bride's brother mentioned that his inspiration to learn calligraphy stemmed from my artwork. He hand-wrote every single wedding invitation and every single place card for the banquet. The bride's brother exhibited such a genuineness, such a sweetness, a purity, a sensitivity and such a sincerity that I really wish I could someday learn to embody. His speech for his sister was so touching, so lovely and so memorable.

And then post-wedding, during the car ride home, I silently let some tears out, making sure neither my parents nor my brother noticed. I tried to fall asleep but instead, I questioned my life, the friends I keep and the friends I've started to let go. I've been struggling with questions about relationships and friendships for a while now, and I'm not sure I know where I stand with my friends. Like, who the hell's going to be my maid of honor? I love my handful of best friends, and I used to think I had a single best friend, but I'm not even sure what that means anymore. And then I thought about whether I'm ever going to be a maid of honor or whether I'll ever be a bridesmaid. Like I really don't know. Where do I belong among my friends? Like where do I fit? Am I just the one that is always just there or do people actually notice me as one of their close friends? Am I an important piece in the center of a puzzle or am I just one of those edge pieces that don't really contribute much to the total image? I tried to convince myself that these choices are a long way ahead of me, but really, they're not. I'm 20. Weddings are going to happen within my friend circles within the next 5-10 years. These thoughts and concerns raced through my head until we pulled into the driveway.

I attempted falling asleep by trying to change my thoughts to good ones. After a while, I realized that wasn't going to happen, so I browsed the internet on my phone, and somehow ended up on some mental health sites. I took survey after survey, questionnaire after questionnaire. I thought, I've been here once before, about a year and a half ago, when I was still on my semester off. I had taken quizzes then too, and I often got scores of high possibility for depression. And this time was no different. It scared me, finding myself receiving responses with "moderate to severe symptoms of bipolar disorder" and "high chance of mood disorder." I didn't know what to do with this information. I don't know if it's because I subconsciously wanted to see these results. Did I want to have an excuse to act the way I did? Did I just want a high score because I love high scores? Was I just answering as extremely as I could so I could wallow in my self-loathing? I know this is a serious matter that should be taken seriously, but I just don't know what to do. Is it even legitimate if I only take these tests at my lowest points? And does my changed diet have to do with any of this? Does eating meat again make one on edge all the time? I guess it just takes a lot of experimenting and careful observations with and of myself. Last time, I decided that perhaps I could fix myself on my own, and I think I did alright. And that's what I'm deciding this time around as well. It's the choice I'm making, and I really hope I can make myself a better person. Honestly, I don't really know if I believe any of the tests I've taken, but what I do believe is that I'm in control of most of the things in my life. Although it's harder sometimes more than others, I know I'll always get through it. I'm too practical and too by-the-book to have it any other way.

The next day, I felt revived, as if by magic. I made my mom happy for her birthday, and I think that's all I want to do for my mom. To make her happy, to make her feel appreciated. I think that's all I every want to do for anyone - to make them happy.

I think this week was a good week. Spending a couple nights at the apartment was nice. Getting things done like an adult. And maybe spending more than an hour to get our placemats. There might be rough patches this year, but I know the good will always outweigh the bad. I hope we all know that.

The one day without internet at the apartment gave me time to list out some things I want to accomplish this summer -- and I have a lot. I'm actually really excited about all of them. Perhaps I'll put that up in another post and update it as I complete each one.

Now that I'm the happier version of myself, I can't see how I was so upset and so down the past couple of weeks. I still ask the same questions, but I'm not sad. But then again, when I was in those sad valleys, I couldn't see how I could be happy again. So honestly, I don't know what conclusions I've drawn from this blog post.

All I know is that I don't know. But then again, when do I ever?

Starting a Fire

I suppose as a college student, I've lost a part of myself that I used to dedicate hours and hours to -- discovering new things, whether it's a new hobby, a new band, a new TV show or a new YouTuber. It's nearing the end of my second year at Berkeley, and I think I'm getting back in the groove of rummaging through the internet for new forms of inspiration and entertainment.

Hobby:
A couple weeks ago, I rediscovered the idea of something I've always wanted to learn -- how to skateboard. When I was in the 6th grade, I was so fascinated by skateboards, but never got the opportunity to try it for myself. Now that I've done excessive amounts of research and created a compelling argument to convince my dad that it's a good investment, I'm excited to be ordering a penny board in the next couple of days.

Music:
Before writing this post, I spent about 2.5 hours just going on YouTube, last.fm, and Spotify looking for the next batch of artists that I want to start listening to. I think I've created a solid list of potential bands:

I really didn't know Twin Atlantic changed their sound -- I can appreciate this. What initially drew me to this band was the fact that the lead singer's accent is so thick, which is rare when people are singing. I love.

Ah, Faber Drive. I've dabbled in their discography before, but I think I'm more into them now than I was a couple years ago. They're on the same label as Marianas Trench and Hanson. (And I guess Nickelback, Nick Carter and Rebecca Black, which I guess is cool too...) #CanadaPlaylist

I've been meaning to get into Deaf Havana ever since You Me At Six announced that they would be touring with them on the North American Tour. They're like a happier version of YMAS. An alternative rock band from the UK.

illScarlett might be the most interesting band that I've picked up in this round of new music. They're a rock-reggae hybrid from Canada. I really love Canadian bands, apparently. Also, this video is weird.

And here we are with Thirty Seconds to Mars. The band that I've always told myself I would listen to since, what, 2009? When I first street teamed for them? Why do I still have like 100 of their stickers from This is War? I hope I can put them to use soon.

TV:
Starting Chicago Fire was probably one of the best decisions I've made this past week. I watched 2 seasons worth of the show in 5 days, and I hate and love myself for it. I originally started watching it because Jesse Spencer is one of the leads, and I really enjoyed his acting and character in House, and hoped it would be similar. But as I continue watching the show, it has made me more aware and more appreciative of our first responders. I'm so fascinated by the work that firefighters, paramedics and police do for us. Of course what happens in the show isn't real, but there are a lot of "real" qualities to the show. A lot of the cases in the show do happen in real life, and the strides that these firefighters make to save lives is more than real. The quick decision making. The running into fire. The burdens they carry when they can't reach everyone they hoped they could.
After finals, I really want to go back to every episode and create a drawing of each of my favorite screenshots. I'm so inspired by that show and what that show depicts. It's ironic that it took a firehouse of firefighters to start a fire in my art again.

Youtube:
If friendship is hooking your floormate on British Youtubers, then Rosemarie is definitely the best of them. Seriously though? Like every single one, I swear.

Movies:
I'm looking forward to the end of the year so I can finally catch up on movies that I've missed out on all year -- Hours, Brick Mansions, Vehicle 19, The Wolf of Wall Street, Anchorman 2, The Wolverine, The Great and Powerful Oz, The Place Beyond the Pines, Pain & Gain, Gatsby, 2 Guns, The Spectacular Now, Dallas Buyers Club, Thor, At Berkeley, Spiderman 2, Monuments Men, Neighbors, Captain America, and X-Men. And that's more than I expected that I would list. Can't wait to spend over 45 hours watching these films. Speaking of which, I haven't updated my movie spreadsheet in over 6 months.

Tidbits:

• Dogs with chrse:  

• Unfortunately I ran out of space on my phone, otherwise I would have taken SO many photos. This was the most interesting dog there: I think it's a Labrador/Bassett Hound mix. Big head and stubby legs.

• And I guess here is my final project for Art 117. This was the most fun project I did all semester, hands down. I finally did something that I was passionate about: concerts. I painted concert lights, and depending how close or far away I was from the stage, I chose a different paper size. I'm excited to make this a long term project, constantly adding after every concert I attend.

• Shows I'm looking forward to: Max Schnieder on 6/6, One Republic on 6/7, and Warped Tour on 6/21.
• Looking forward to: officially moving out of the dorms, and officially moving into the apartment. It's bittersweet, you know. It's bittersweet because I won't have Rosie all the time to conveniently watch Bob's Burgers and Youtube videos with during lunch or dinner. But I guess when we do make the effort to visit each other, it will be all the more sweeter. I won't have Avni just there... and I can't just make soap duckies alone because that's dumb. I'll see Michael even less than I do now, which is already close to zero. On the bright side, I'll have chrse.
• I'm excited to cook. I'm excited to have a kitchen. I'm excited to have a TV, a couch, a comfortable chair. I think having a single room will give me time to focus on myself.
• Time to get sentimental: I know it's unrealistic to hope that we'll be friends forever, but I really hope that this group of friends will stick together for a long time coming. I don't know what I would do without this core college group. I'm so comfortable with the idea that I can always come home to these people, and it's just so disappointing to think not all of them will be there at the apartment next year. I'm not upset about it, it's just something that's going to happen.
• I miss living by myself. That's one of the things I miss from my big China trip. Having the whole apartment to myself, making decisions for myself, not compromising with other people and not having to burden anyone with the idea of me. 
• I'm so fucking selfish to say this, but what I expected is so much different than what I got this week. Maybe I didn't do my best to express myself either, but maybe I should start lowering my expectations.
• Also, I've just added Set it Off, For the Foxes, Real Friends and Fratellis to my Spotify playlist.
• And how could I forget Space Cadet Billie. I'm so glad Anna and I decided to procrastinate the day Billie was performing on Sproul. In his short Q&A, I learned so much from him and I gained some enlightenment. He's so quotable:
• "I followed my heart and that's what got me here, that's what gave me individual credibility."
• "If you follow your head over your heart, you'll live the same thing over and over and over. Follow your heart."
• "Focus on your feet. Keep moving. No one can do it for you."
• "Put down the roots and don't worry about the branches just yet."